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[setpoint]

This will look pretty later!

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[wentnuclear]

[ Raleigh doesn't sleep well at the best of times. He's a chronic insomniac and despite working out to exhaustion like he usually does, the stress of their current situation keeps him up most nights. When he does drift off it's light and fitful, brief glimpses of nightmare scenarios and memory. Still, he tries, because everyone needs to sleep. It's his turn on the floor and that doesn't help, so tonight he's just lying there with his eyes closed and fingers crossed when a cold wave of terror passes over him.

There's no cause for it, that he's aware of. He wasn't thinking about anything in particular, and though he's definitely not a bastion of stability... this kind of feeling doesn't usually come from nowhere. He frowns a little, consciously evens his breathing out to try and counter it, but it doesn't stop. Then he catches Mako shifting on the bed out of the corner of his eye and realizes. It's her fear. She's dreaming and he's feeling it. Usually the ghost drift is subtle enough and they're on a similar enough page that he doesn't really notice it, but now it's coming through loud and clear.

Without hesitating, Raleigh pushes himself up from the floor and crosses to the bed, the metal flooring icy on his bare feet. Space is fucking cold. ]

Mako?

[ She doesn't wake immediately, which prompts him to settle his hand on her shoulder. Not shaking, not wanting to scare her worse, just gripping with a firm but gentle pressure. ]

Mako, wake up.

[setpoint]

[Mako's been having nightmares for as long as she can remember, but in the years since Onibaba's attack, they're gotten easier to manage. They fit a certain pattern and she knows what to expect. After Operation Pitfall, all that changes, and Onibaba melts into Knifehead who melts into Slattern, tearing into Tokyo or Gipsy or Striker. Somehow, the worst dreams are the ones where Sensei survives, because no matter how real the dream feels, Mako knows that they're cheating something, that her time with him in limited, and that no matter what else happens, he'll be torn away from her in the end.

When Raleigh wakes her up, she doesn't panic, but she does grab for his hand instinctively. There are tears on her cheeks and her heart is racing, and she doesn't remember exactly what she was dreaming about, but it doesn't matter. All of her dreams have the same result—she won't be sleeping again tonight. The only difference is that now Raleigh has to deal with them too, whether through their connection or simply by being woken up, and she can't shake the odd mixture of guilt and embarrassment she feels as she blinks up at him.]

I... I'm sorry. I'm okay.

[wentnuclear]

[ There's no way for him to know what she was dreaming about specifically, only that it's painful for her. He lets go of her shoulder to hold her hand instead, half-sitting on the edge of the bed. Instinct tells him to reach up and wipe away the tears, but he isn't sure if she'd be okay with that. ]

Don't worry about it. You didn't wake me or anything, I was already up.

[ What now, though? Would she want to talk about it? Probably not... Raleigh rubs his thumb across the back of her hand and just studies her for a moment. The curves of her face in the dim emergency lighting. ]

...you don't have to be okay, you know. Not around me.

[setpoint]

[She isn't sure if he's telling the truth about being awake, though she knows his sleep isn't usually great either. She's not sure how to respond to it, but then he distracts her by taking her hand. Mako curls her fingers around his, trying to be surreptitious while wiping her tears away and utterly failing. He's managing to catch her off guard again like he always does.]

I know I don't.

[Honestly, Raleigh is the only person she feels comfortable being totally honest with, but that doesn't mean it's easy to navigate. She's used to keeping people at arm's length, and opening up is tricky, even with their connection, so she's quiet for a moment.]

I wish things had gone differently.

[wentnuclear]

[ Raleigh is patient. He doesn't push her, just lets her wipe her face with her free hand and holds the other, grip warm and firm. If she didn't say anything at all that would have been fine, too, but then she does, and he nods a little in acknowledgement. ]

We did our best. All of us. But I'm sorry it went how it did.

[setpoint]

I know. And I know it was what he wanted, but...

[But even though they closed the breach, and even though Mako had always know Pentecost was living on borrowed time, somehow that didn't make the loss of him any easier. It's like part of her is missing, as much as she's been trying to shove it aside and focus on their current situation. Raleigh can understand that, she knows, and she squeezes his hand gently, willing her breathing to steady.]

[wentnuclear]

What he wanted was to save us all. He did that. Sometimes that just... means sacrifice. He went out a hero to the whole world, nobody's ever going to forget him. So he'll always be with us. Always.

[ He shifts a little, tugging on Mako's hand. If she'll sit up he'll hug her, and maybe some of his certainty will pass to her. ]

[setpoint]

[Somehow Raleigh knows exactly what to say, and while it doesn't make the loss go away, she knows he's right. Her vision blurs again, but before she can wipe her tears away he's tugging her up, and she doesn't even think about it before she hugs him back, burying her face in his shoulder.]

[wentnuclear]

[ Raleigh lets go of her hand then to wrap both arms around her, stroking up and down her back soothingly. ]

It just takes time. You'll be okay, you've just gotta let yourself grieve.

[ He's aware he's not the best example of this, but so much of why he wants to live again is Mako. He doesn't know if he could ever be that for her, give her the strength to push through, but maybe he can give her some of her own strength back. ]

[setpoint]

[Mako nods against him, realizing she's clinging and not having the energy to care. She knows he's right, even if he didn't deal with his brother's death in the healthiest way. That was different, though, a unique sort of trauma. She can't blame him.]

You still dream about Yancy, don't you?

[wentnuclear]

[ Yeah, he kinda sucked at coping but he's also the only person in the world to have ever experienced that specific loss. Not just the death of someone important, but his own mind being ripped apart as Yancy was torn out. He wasn't only devastated and guilt-ridden, he was broken on another level. No one who tried to help him could possibly understand that part, so he'd just given up on the therapy, the usual techniques. Stacker's death is tragic but... much more the normal way of things. Hopefully Mako will be able to process her grief in a more normal way as well. ]

I do. [ He admits it softly, keeping up the gentle touches. ] ....do you, now?

[setpoint]

[She nods again, letting out another shaky breath, but his touch is relaxing her, slowly but surely. Without thinking, she smoothes her hand down his back, mimicking him.]

Yes. Sometimes I can't tell if they're your dreams or mine.

[wentnuclear]

[ That's... unexpected, and Raleigh isn't actually sure what to do with it. He shivers a little at being touched so simply after so long, affected even though he knows she's likely just mirroring him. Aiming to comfort in return now that they're dredging up his trauma as well. ]

No way to know for sure. You saw it, you felt it, they're just as much yours now. Sometimes I dream about Onibaba.

[setpoint]

[He shivers and she hesitates, not sure how to read that. After a second or so, she just keeps her hand still, rubbing her thumb against his skin softly. She's not sure if that's okay, but then he mentions Onibaba, and her attention shifts.]

You do?

[It really shouldn't be unexpected. Logically, Mako knows what the effects of drifting are. It isn't like they didn't go over them a million times in the academy, but experiencing that connection for herself is much, much different.]

[wentnuclear]

[ It's just cold, okay? Space is cold and he's practically naked. That's it! ]

Yeah. It happens. I've even heard of some co-pilots dreaming the same thing the same night, but I don't know if it's true. Never happened with me and Yancy, I don't think.

[setpoint]

[It's an odd thought. A few months ago, she might have thought of it as almost invasive, but with Raleigh, she doesn't.]

Do you know what I was dreaming about tonight?

[wentnuclear]

[ He shakes his head a little, feeling her hair brush against his cheek. ]

No idea. But I wasn't asleep.

[setpoint]

[Hmm.]

I really didn't wake you up?

[He said that she didn't, but she's still wondering if that was just to make her feel better.]

[wentnuclear]

Nope. You think I was trying to spare your feelings or something?

[ Sorry, he's just an insomniac. But maybe he can lighten the mood a little. ]

I'd be much crankier if you woke me.

[ Lies. ]

[setpoint]

[She lets out a soft, disbelieving huff.]

You wouldn't be.

[Because he never, ever seems to get cranky with her, even when she deserves it.]

You still haven't been sleeping well?

[wentnuclear]

Nah. I wouldn't.

[ He really is getting cold, though, and considering pulling away to go fetch his blanket off the floor. ]

The insomnia's always worse when I'm stressed. It'll pass.

[setpoint]

Is there anything I can do to help?

[wentnuclear]

[ Raleigh's brow furrows a little, not that she can see his face at the moment. He never really found a way to cope with this either. ]

I don't know. Nothing's really worked before. But I'm freezing, so...

[ Yeah, he's very reluctantly pulling away and leaning down to grab his blanket, wrapping it around his shoulders like a cloak and then settling back on the edge of her bed. He's not going anywhere, just was sort of turning into a popsicle. ]

[setpoint]

[She can't hide her disappointment when he pulls away, and she's not sure how to reinitiate the contact, or if she even should. After a second, she shoves her nerves aside and leans her shoulder into his carefully. This is fine, right?]

Would taking the bed more often help?

[wentnuclear]

[ Oh. Okay, yes, this is fine. The angle is awkward, though, he should... hold on. He's gonna turn the other way, so they're facing the same direction instead of each other and he can wrap the blanket around her shoulders too. Once she grabs that end he does drop his arm, but only to settle it loosely around her waist. She can keep leaning. ]

We had a deal. It's not the floor that's the problem.